Friday, October 1, 2010

Special Report: Can We Bring Scary Back?

I noticed that Halloween was getting a little out of hand when Tina Fey cleverly pointed out (through the voice of Cady Heron) that Halloween is "the one night of the year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it."

Today a coworker and I went to pick up a pizza for lunch.  The pizza was not ready so we decided that we would kill time by exploring the "Halloween Costume Outlet" next door. 

There was not a single scary female costume to be found,  but the racks were filled with such an insane variety of provocative costumes that I had to get some photos. I must tell you that the clerk seemed a little concerned with my picture taking and so I snapped these quickly.  I apologize for the quality.  

Did you y'all know that there is a position in law enforcement known as, "Strip Search Sheriff."  I'm going to look into it, but I bet it ranks between Captain and Lieutenant.

I'm not sure how you guys celebrated Halloween as children, but it was sort of a family affair at my house.  All of my cousins would come over with their parents and we would all go trick or treating.  Some of the adults dressed up, some of them didn't. It didn't really matter either way because IT WASN'T ABOUT THEM, and if they were in costume I don't ever remember any of them wearing anything like this.  

Can you imagine?

My mother:  Hey there Betty. What are you supposed to be?

Aunt Betty:  A cowgirl.

My mother:  Really? Because you look like a whore.  

Aunt Betty:  Well, I suppose I should have specified.  I'm actually a "Dirty Desperado."  

As you will notice,  the brand name of this costume pack (as well as the "Dirty Desperado") is Elegant Moments. Elegant?  When I think of elegant moments I think of Grace Kelly's wedding day.  I think of Jacqueline Kennedy giving all the television viewers in the early 60s an enchanting tour of the newly decorated White House.  I'm supposed to believe that "Dirty Desperado" and her pal "Gangster Girl" are elegant?  

As I was sifting through these costumes I began to wonder if maybe my figure is desirable enough to publicly prance around in one of these little numbers.  The girls on the packages are beautiful, but they have somewhat attainable figures.  

And then I saw the mannequin.  

What exactly is a "Warden's Mistress"? I mean, I guess it's this, but let's say you were dating the warden of a prison or you were his mistress or whatever.  If he asked you to dress  up like an inmate because he thought that was "sexy" wouldn't you be concerned? 
The model in the photo can't even get on board with this idea.  I know it's blurry, but her face seems to ask, "really?"  

This is an adult costume.  The young woman is supposed to be Alice from the book/movie Alice In Wonderland.  The character Alice (according to several semi-reliable websites) is seven years old.  I might have been fine with this costume if it wasn't for the name brand Wicked Innocence looming overhead.  

Men, do you want me to to be slutty? Or innocent? Can you choose one, because the combination is really difficult to pull off.  

If I haven't thoroughly convinced you that Halloween is out of control do not walk away from your computer screen.  I saved the most convincing photos for last.  

These costumes are for little girls. 

Do any of you have any suggestions on how we can combat this?  What about some sort of ad campaign to help spread the message of "reigning Halloween in a little bit." Maybe a poster?  Something fun, but that still gets the message across.  What do you guys think about this:

Finally, I don't think I would be so put off by the adult sexy costumes if it wasn't so one-sided.  There were zero sexy costumes for men.  Maybe that's because women have a  more mature, sophisticated idea of what constitutes as sexy and that idea does not easily translate into a costume.

I tried my best to think of an idea for a sexy male Halloween costume.  This is what I came up with:

See what I mean?


  1. This is the best one you've written!hope you get this comment...wasn't sure how to do it.

  2. We went to a law school Halloween party one year and at least 5 girls were dressed as "Texas Hold 'Em." They were wearing in a miniscule checkered skirt and a bra top with plastic hands serving as the bra cups...get it?!?! "Texas HOLD 'em?????" Mind you, I was dressed as a hunter and Charlie wore a brown sweatsuit and fake deer horns strapped to his head. Needless to say, I didn't end up with any free drinks.

  3. Can I still comment even if I was a Strawberry Slutcake four years ago? (via pre-packaged ensemble.)

  4. You (more than anyone) should know that I would never tell anyone that they are not allowed to comment as it might deter them for visiting my blog which would effect my traffic. You can comment all over the place Strawberry Slutcake.