The Social Network

I am not on Facebook.  I get tired of explaining why I'm not on facebook, because it usually turns into an overly intense lecture on why it's not good for me.  It's sort of like an alcoholic explaining why they can't have a glass of wine.  No one really wants to hear it.

I was hanging out with Austin about six months ago and one of his buddies (who I had just met) asked if I was on Facebook.  I told him no and hoped we could leave it at that. My "no" was immediately followed by a very concerned "why not?" 

Austin knows I get tired of explaining why I'm not into it (or why I'm very into it and shouldn't use).  So he shook his head, pointedly looked at me and said, "you don't have to talk about it."  

As soon as these melodramatic words escaped his lips we looked at each other and had a mind melt.  A very good prank was in the making.  

Austin's friend looked confused.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit a nerve."  

Me:  It's okay.  It's just . . . hard to talk about it.  And it comes up a lot.

Austin: You don't have to do this.  

Me:  I know but, now I feel like I'm intentionally being mysterious.  

Austin's friend:  Okay, now I'm really curious.  What's the deal?

Austin: Don't feel pressure, but he's cool.  He won't make a big thing out of it.  

Austin's friend: What? What is it?

Me:  Mark Zuckerberg is my ex-boyfriend.  

Austin tried very hard not to laugh as I slowly but surely convinced his friend that I attended Harvard, majored in English, and had a tumultuous relationship with the founder of Facebook.  I also convinced him that Facebook was "practically my idea" because Mark had zero friends and I had tons tons of friends with whom I wanted to share photos and comments.  With faked bitterness, I explained to my gullible new pal that one night in Mark's dorm room I asked if there was any way to do this over the Internet and the next day Facebook was launched.  

I even convinced him that I provided the inspiration for the term "it's complicated."  

Me:  During sophomore year we were on what I guess you would call "a break" but we were still seeing each with some regularity.  One night Mark joined me and some friends at a bar and someone asked us if we were still dating.  Unsure of what to say, I looked at Mark who gave me zero help, so I finally responded with, "it's complicated."  Apparently this angered Mark, who was still holding a torch, and he never let me hear the end of it.  He would constantly mock me in high pitched tones, "it's complicated! It's complicated!"  

Austin's friend:  What a psycho. 

Me:  Tell me about it.  

Austin's friend:  So is that why you are not on Facebook? Because you don't want to give him the satisfaction?

Me:  I wish.  No, I literally can't get on Facebook.  Facebook won't let me create an account.  I don't know how he does it but I'm blocked.  

Austin's friend: What a jerk.  

Me:  I know.  

We kept up this ruse for a few months, but decided that since "my relationship with Mark" would probably be left out of the The Social Network that we would have to come clean.  We toyed with the idea of going to see the movie with our trusting friend under the pretense that the studio informed me that "my relationship with Mark" would be portrayed.  When this didn't happen I was going to storm out of the theatre. Eventually we decided this would involve waaay too much time and effort for something that would yield only mildly entertaining results.


Kinda like Facebook.