Tuesday, September 20, 2011

MED: I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Do This

Dear Bravo Producers,

Remember Blowout? I do. That's how long I've been watching Bravo reality series. Aaand, I'm from Texas. If Most Eligible Dallas doesn't appeal to me, you've got problems. Miami Social kinda problems. 

I'm well aware of the limitations of a reality series, and so I don't ask for much- I watched all three season's of Work Out for heaven's sake. ALL THREE! 

This last episode was particularly terrible. Usually with these sorts of shows there seems to be a climax (example: Taylor's nervous breakdown on this week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). What would be the climax of MED this week? Glenn hanging out with his ex-girlfriend (and somehow managing to screw up a "that's what she said" joke)? Matt and Neill sharing french fries? Courtney's day date with the South African dude and her minions? Drew not telling Cody that he loves him? 

Oh no, Bravo producers- was it supposed to be the dog rescue? 


Sunday, September 11, 2011

MED Think Tank

*I wanted to post this earlier in the week, but I became overwhelmed with other stuff. Please excuse my tardiness, as well as the crazy font size and style changes. Something is rotten in the state of Blogger. 

This post is made possible in part by a friend who I lovingly refer to as Tank. We are both watching Most Eligible Dallas even though we think it's a terrible, terrible reality series. Why are we subjecting ourselves to these characters week after week? Because we're dedicated Bravo fans from Texas. We have to watch this show no matter how ridiculous it is. 

I was reminded of how awful MED is last week when it followed The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere. Most Eligible Dallas makes Real Housewives of Beverly Hills look like Mad Men. I guess after years of digesting reality series my palate only responds to a particularly spectacular brand of dysfunction. 

So here we go with notes for the cast and crew of Most Eligible Dallas

Dear Bravo Producers/Editors,
Were you trying to find the lamest intro song possible for the MED opening credits? WHAT is THAT?

Dear Courtney, 
You are at the upper most echelon of Southern Bells.  We get it.  You know which side of the plate the fork and knife go on, we bow down. Also, do you have some sort of word limit that you must hit every day or else one of your family members will be burned alive? What's with the urgency? We're not at a Rush party. You can take your time during the interviews. While I realize it's totally lame that I paused the DVR to calculate how rapidly you speak, I feel it is my duty to forgo my own coolness to share this fact with you: it took 16 seconds for you to say the following:

"The relationship that Matt’s parents have is kind of the relationship in my mind 

that I want to have with somebody one day. So when people are like Courtney you are delusional with this ridiculous checklist and all these expectations and all these standards being set so high I’m like hello Matt’s parents have that so obviously it’s possible and obviously it can happen."

That's 64 words. 64 words in 16 seconds. SLOW DOWN COURTNEY. It's going to be okay. 

I did love the dress your sported for DIFFA, but in true Courtney fashion you ruined it by obnoxiously obsessing over how 'amazing' it was ALL NIGHT.  And yes, your jewelry is vintage Chanel.  We know.  

Before we move on I would like to throw this out there for your benefit: Matt's commitment timeline does not afford him with a wife his own age. Just a thought. 

Dear Tara (and the majority of the U.S. population),
Learn when to use the word 'literally.' It's not a difficult concept to grasp. For example the following statement does not need to be prefaced by the word 'literally':"There are literally so many charity events on any given week in Dallas."There is no way that anyone would assume you meant that figuratively Tara. 

I'm sorry- I thought we were done. This actually applies to you as well. Remember when you were eating with Matt's parents and said, "Literally, if they bring a bread basket it's over!"? Oh Courtney, how I wish that was a literal statement. 

Dear Jody,
Don't have a DTR when you look like Cheech. (Although good call having it when Tara was intoxicated, I think that totally helped your case.)

Dear Neill,
I think you and Drew need to get together for a beer and try to figure out who comes in first place for worst blind date ever. 

Dear Glenn's kicker pal, 
A girl told you that she was tired on your date and you responded with,"I know I've been searching for this BMX Bike for awhile now . . . can you believe that? It's crazy."

This sort of statement is a large part of why she's saying she's tired. 

Dear Glenn,
Where do you find these people? Is the NFL rife with these sorts? 
Dear Drew, 
I love that you love your family so much and I am very impressed by your ability to parallel park.  I want you to keep blossoming.  However, a part of this process is realizing that instead of trying to win over people like Courtney, it's better to make the discovery that holding their attention is not worth the effort that task requires. And you're not going to distract Courtney from herself when she's wearing vintage Chanel jewelry. She needs to tell everyone that she's wearing vintage Chanel jewelry. All. Night. Long.Focus your energy elsewhere sweetheart. She's not worth your time/bids for attention via temper tantrums. 

Mother of Drew's step brothers, 
It is SO awkward that you call Mr. Ginsberg "Daddy."  Additionally, I think that Bravo used a pole to block you out of the Ginsberg family entrance of the DIFFA awards.  (Censored by Bravo?  Yikes.)
I think the work you do is wonderful, the fashion I find questionable.  See Daylon's black, transparent, mesh shirt, or as I like to call it "what everyone wore to the gay bars in 2002."  
Oh, Matt,
Were you in this episode? I guess you did provide that awkward high five (which surprisingly went unnoticed by Courtney! I thought she would be desperate for any sort of physical contact with you . . . ) over your grandmother's player status. Oh and your breathy conversation with Tara during that prolonged hug at her charity event was bizarre. Can you talk to a woman without imagining you are seducing them? And last, but not least, I love that your limited attention to Neill is something you call "being focused." I can't imagine living your perspective Matt. I really can't. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Automatic For the People (And You Know Who You Are)

Dear Matt Nordgren,

After watching three episodes of Most Eligible Dallas I have decided that while you are not the most unlikable character (I'll get to you in a second Courtney) you are by far the creepiest. Yes, you beat out the fifty year old soul patch sporting disc jockey.

When you're driving around Dallas 'calling up the ladies' I am truly scared for them. What's going on with the removed tone and the delayed laugh? Are you a serial killer? Maybe the girls you call don't mind the inevitable group date, because their gut is telling them that there's safety in numbers. 

Dear Courtney,

When I watch you stare into a mirror that rests under the giant letters that spell out your name while a camera crew films you talking on the phone it makes me wonder how long you've been wanting to be famous. I also wonder how much of you is devoted to the conversation you are having and how much is devoted to studying your own facial expressions. My guess is 20/80. 

Dear Glenn,

You're somewhat superficial, but super nice. Therefore, I'll just say this: I love your Cadillac. For real.

Dear Drew,

You're still my fave! While your smokeless cigarette is ridiculous, I know you watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and it delights me to imagine that you are smoking it facetiously. I love that you bought Glenn for Courtney even though you had recently been on a terrible, terrible date and deserved to have some fun. I also love that in next week's episode you and Courtney get into it. I hope you push her butt-dones. 

Dear Tara,

You're still not compelling. 

Dear Neil,


Dear Bravo Producers,

Looks like we have another Miami Social on our hands, huh?