Monday, July 4, 2011

Five Funny Things

So a few of you have remarked as of late, "what's the deal with your blog? You haven't been posting." 

And then I say, "I know, I've been busy." Which is sort of true. Unfortunately, I'm not just furiously producing. Oh no, there's been plenty of absolutely wasted time. It would be silly if I didn't cop to the fact that lately much of my spare time has been spent absorbing trashy television shows. 

Also, I didn't know how to come back. I was so good about posting regularly that I began to place an obscene amount of importance on the post hiatus post. Like, I better be working on something phenomenal since it's been over a month. So I started exploring the most popular conspiracy theory of all time and came to a solid conclusion via a lengthy investigation and several interviews with obscure and barely living politicians. However, after carful consideration I've decided that the world just isn't ready to know who really killed JFK. 

Instead I've decided to post five funny things. These are just amusing little bits of information that you may or may not find to be humorous. I do. And I'm sorry there's not any pictures. I just don't feel like it. 

My husband cannot stand my seating choices in restaurants that are seat-yourself. If you're in line with someone at a restaurant obviously the first person who exits the line automatically has the responsibility of choosing the place where your party will sit, or at least that was my understanding. This is not the case if I'm dining with my husband. Oh no, whichever space I choose will be deemed unworthy and I will be forced to relocate no matter how comfortable I've made myself. And there is no discernible criteria for what he considers an optimal table. I have to work on pure instinct. This has really become a sticking point and I've expressed my grief concerning this issue so he is trying to work on it. I must admit though that now I sometimes secretly choose places my intuition tells me he will have issues with just to see if he's willing to let it go. 

I often wonder about the percentage of people out there who keep their car spectacularly clean. If I had to guess I'd say it's about thirty percent, and it's the same sort of people who keep their house perfectly neat. I do not fall into this category of people, but at least I usually know when folks are coming over and I give myself plenty of time to clean so I won't be embarrassed. Uninvited guests are few and far between and I can usually prevent someone who's dropping something off from coming inside and feasting their eyes on my untidiness. Unfortunately, I cannot always ward off the surprise guest in my vehicle. For example, this kind of thing always happens at conferences or staff developments. Even though it's usually a strong possibility I always forget to prepare for the ever so common carpool-to-lunch with coworkers/colleagues. Suddenly I'm racing to my car ahead of a pack of hungry people who selected my car as the best vehicle for hauling everyone. As soon as I get to my car, I desperately begin throwing dirty clothes, food wrappers, stacks of papers and books, and at least twelve near empty water bottles into my trunk. This is always followed up with, "sorry, y'all it's been a crazy week and I've practically been living out of my car." Oh yes, that's right guys, my slovenly behavior is the result of my work ethic. 

My husband and I went to one of these fancy steakhouses last night for dinner. The place is downtown in this very touristy part of the city that we generally try to avoid due to the large amount of confused pedestrians who have this uncanny knack for increasing your hatred of Middle America. You know, the sort of people who look like poorly dressed cows. Seriously, I saw four people squeezed into a pedicab last night. Don't do that tourists- don't do that to the poor pedicab driver. I know you think it's okay because you're "on vay-ca-shun" but it's not. Oh, and stop giving your child soda. He's obese. 

Anyway, so we're driving downtown and my husband is trying his best not to pick off some fanny-pack wearing tourist, and when he looks in the rear view mirror he jumps out of his seat a little bit and says, "Oh God!" I look in the rearview mirror and have the same reaction. It had been such a long time since either of us had driven downtown that we totally forgot about the horse carriages. It's really kind of frightening when you look in the review mirror and see a horse staring back at you. 

Yeah that was one of the funny things. Deal with it.

Speaking of horse carriages, when my husband and I were in New York a few years ago, we were strolling through Central Park and I played the best joke on him. He said, "I wonder if the stable for the horses is actually in Central Park." To which I replied, "Oh, you mean you don't know about the horses in Central Park?" He said no, and I went on to explain that since real estate in New York is so valuable it doesn't really make sense financially to stable the horses. When he asked how that worked I 'informed' him that the the horses work night and day until they die of exhaustion and are then sold to glue factories.

"That's terrible!" (He was completely buying it!) How long can they last?" 

"You'd be surprised. They can work for up to three weeks before they start to really deteriorate. If you'll notice they give them oats and water, but they're always working. Sometimes if they really start slowing down the driver will occasionally inject them with adrenaline, and that can keep them going for another couple of days." 

He was beginning to become infuriated about the mistreatment of these horses so I went ahead and revealed that I was lying. 

It was a really fun afternoon. 

Last thing about my husband, (and yes this also counts as a funny thing), man does this guy like to grill. I suspect it's a pretty common thing with men- this love of grilling and drinking beer. Women, take my advice and nurture this desire. Buy your husband expensive spices and rubs and ridiculous grilling gadgets. Hell- get that man a state of the art grill! Because once he discovers this love he will never forsake it. And you will rarely have to cook dinner. 

The company that owns and maintains the apartment where my brother resides recently informed him that his rent was going up via email. My brother decided it would be funny to respond to the leasing agent (who he thought he was somewhat familiar with after almost a full year of fairly regular interaction) as if he was taking the increase very personally thinking that she would immediately understand that it was a joke. Truly, the tone of the email is so utterly outrageous that there is no way this lady should not understand that's it's a joke. 

But she doesn't. I will ask my brother if I can post the email here this week. I'm certain you all will find it entertaining. 

So I think that's it. I think that's five funny things. Oh, here' a little bonus and hopefully another entertaining thing that I will be posting later this week. A friend of mine is headed to her class reunion soon and of course the reunion has a page on Facebook (which you all know how much I love) and of course everyone is posting how excited they are about the reunion. Here's what else some people are posting: short, almost lyrical messages about how awesome their high school class is. Granted, this probably isn't the most educated section of the group, but really- you're still into how awesome your high school class was/is? And you want to rhyme about it? 

Hopefully, I will be posting some of these little gems later this week. 

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