Most Eligible Dallas

I'm writing this post for one person and one person only. Super Fan, you know who you are. 

Dear Kourtney,

You're not funny. 

Matt,

You kind of remind me of Patrick Bateman. I'm sure you have no idea who that is. Download American Psycho. 

Glenn,

Remember when you were on the photo shoot and said, "I feel like, I'm just like, a natural born poser,"? I nodded. 

Tara,

We get it. The show is about Dallas. Dallas is in Texas. People are familiar with Texas. Also, pretty sure "Big Hair Day" isn't a "national day" if it's Texas specific. 

Drew,

So far you're my favorite. I love the way you pronounce "button." And you're right- Texas wine makes me want to vomit too. 

Neal,

I'm not sure I'm spelling your name correctly. I'm sorry Kourtney was mean to you, but keep in mind that it's just because you have everything she wants and you're throwing it in her face on a Wednesday night at 11:00 p.m. when you should be at home with your child. Kourtney is just insanely jealous traditional. Because she's from Texas. 

WE GET IT! THEY'RE IN TEXAS! 

Clearly, Andy isn't producing this one.  

 

Our 'Rick Parry'

Hoping for a better tomorrow tomorrow? 

http://www.colbertsuperpac.com/episodeiv-anewhope/

Brilliantly Written.Terrifyingly True.

Rick Perry has been flirting with idea of a presidential run for the last few months months his entire life. While many of you might think it impossible to elect another Texan to the White House so soon after W. be careful not to underestimate Perry or our nation's tendency to swing in the polar opposite direction when something isn't working. What was that brilliant campaign slogan? 


Something about change . . . 


If you don't understand why folks are saying that Rick Perry is the "eight-hundred-pound guerrilla on the sidelines of this race" let Paul Burka explain it for you.


Oh and check out these political ads that he's run through the years. Don Draper couldn't have designed a more manipulative ad campaign. I have to hand it to Perry- thematically, he's damn consistent. 

Happy Saturday!

Ohhh this is sooo good.

Cry Baby

A few weeks ago I visited a very close friend of mine who lives in Houston. She had a baby in November so I was very excited to get to spend some time getting to know her son. It's so cool to watch someone you've known since the age of nine parent their child. My friend is such a good mother- attentive but at the same time very laid back. I could tell right away that she has an immeasurable amount of love for her son. My childhood bud has totally mastered being a mom, and I suddenly felt very grown simply by witnessing that. 


But I guess we still bring out one another's mischievous side, because at some point during my visit my friend turned to me and said, "Do you want to see the saddest, cutest thing in the world?" Of course I said yes, and she said, "Okay, I would only do this for you."  


So we sat the baby in front of us, and my friend proceeded to make this really irritating sound and the baby made the most adorable, heartbreaking face I've ever seen which was followed by the cutest crying I've ever heard. And then he would self-sooth which was equally adorable, and then I would say "do it again." 


She decided to video tape it so she wouldn't traumatize him by repeating this again and again which anyone would be tempted to do because it is just so funny. I hope you enjoy it! And don't feel sorry for him- he has a really relaxing white noise machine in his plush little nursery and has never had a single drop of tap water. He's fine. 

Adventures In Emailing

The company that owns and maintains the apartment where my brother resides recently informed him that his rent was going up via email. My brother decided it would be funny to respond to the leasing agent (who he thought he was somewhat familiar with after almost a full year of fairly regular interaction) as if he was taking the increase very personally thinking that she would immediately understand that it was a joke. Truly, the tone of the email is so utterly outrageous that there is no way this lady should not understand that's it's a joke. She doesn't. 


I thought y'all might enjoy reading it: 

Dear Jane,

So many things I need to say tonight. So many things...

I am glad you have found some humor in the rather unfortunate event of my rent going up Jane. Do I find any humor in it? No, I don't. In fact, I am disgusted by the choice(s) you ladies at Texas Properties have made against me. It is very much personal and I am fully aware of that. I spent half the night last night stressed over the financial decisions I was going to have to make for the upcoming year. I was literally disgusted as I spent sometime throwing up by the toilet. 

Yes, I saw this little scheme coming from day one when I signed the papers at your little lair. Oh I know how it works! Fill the office with these good-looking intelligent types and then just let them wheel and deal there way into a small little fortune...!!! I remember sitting there at your place shifting nervously in my seat as the other two ladies in the office whispered amongst themselves after I had signed the papers. They both had such smug looks on there face. When you see that look, if you have any sense at all, you know you are being taken advantage of mercilessly. They both had that look and I remember one of them asking very condescendingly what I did for a living. 

"I work at a hotel." I replied holding back the anger. 

"Oh cool, I bet that's interesting work." she said in a humiliating tone.

"Yeah, it's not a bad job."

(The tone cannot be felt on paper!)

The lady then went into the back to make some copies of our agreement and I could hear her cackling with the other lady in the office. I couldn't make out exactly what was being said but I did distinctly hear the term "uneducated" being thrown around followed by more cackling. Needless to say, I felt very much violated. I became hyper aware of the stain on my shirt that I had just recently acquired from mishandling a croissant at the coffee shop near by and I was sure that both ladies had taken note of it.

And look where we were at now Jane ... You're about to throw me out on the street like some rat to show my apartment to some college hunk or Japanese girl looking to use my house as a study near UT in some field that I probably cannot even pronounce correctly. Well, I hope you're happy! I hope you're all happy and laughing down at Texas Properties!!!. But the joke is on you because I will have the money this week for my rent as well as a pen in hand to sign on for another year at MY location. If you think you can systematically weed me out with a little upping of the rent well you are wrong sister. YOU ARE WRONG SISTER.

 

Five Funny Things

So a few of you have remarked as of late, "what's the deal with your blog? You haven't been posting." 


And then I say, "I know, I've been busy." Which is sort of true. Unfortunately, I'm not just furiously producing. Oh no, there's been plenty of absolutely wasted time. It would be silly if I didn't cop to the fact that lately much of my spare time has been spent absorbing trashy television shows. 


Also, I didn't know how to come back. I was so good about posting regularly that I began to place an obscene amount of importance on the post hiatus post. Like, I better be working on something phenomenal since it's been over a month. So I started exploring the most popular conspiracy theory of all time and came to a solid conclusion via a lengthy investigation and several interviews with obscure and barely living politicians. However, after carful consideration I've decided that the world just isn't ready to know who really killed JFK. 


Instead I've decided to post five funny things. These are just amusing little bits of information that you may or may not find to be humorous. I do. And I'm sorry there's not any pictures. I just don't feel like it. 


My husband cannot stand my seating choices in restaurants that are seat-yourself. If you're in line with someone at a restaurant obviously the first person who exits the line automatically has the responsibility of choosing the place where your party will sit, or at least that was my understanding. This is not the case if I'm dining with my husband. Oh no, whichever space I choose will be deemed unworthy and I will be forced to relocate no matter how comfortable I've made myself. And there is no discernible criteria for what he considers an optimal table. I have to work on pure instinct. This has really become a sticking point and I've expressed my grief concerning this issue so he is trying to work on it. I must admit though that now I sometimes secretly choose places my intuition tells me he will have issues with just to see if he's willing to let it go. 


I often wonder about the percentage of people out there who keep their car spectacularly clean. If I had to guess I'd say it's about thirty percent, and it's the same sort of people who keep their house perfectly neat. I do not fall into this category of people, but at least I usually know when folks are coming over and I give myself plenty of time to clean so I won't be embarrassed. Uninvited guests are few and far between and I can usually prevent someone who's dropping something off from coming inside and feasting their eyes on my untidiness. Unfortunately, I cannot always ward off the surprise guest in my vehicle. For example, this kind of thing always happens at conferences or staff developments. Even though it's usually a strong possibility I always forget to prepare for the ever so common carpool-to-lunch with coworkers/colleagues. Suddenly I'm racing to my car ahead of a pack of hungry people who selected my car as the best vehicle for hauling everyone. As soon as I get to my car, I desperately begin throwing dirty clothes, food wrappers, stacks of papers and books, and at least twelve near empty water bottles into my trunk. This is always followed up with, "sorry, y'all it's been a crazy week and I've practically been living out of my car." Oh yes, that's right guys, my slovenly behavior is the result of my work ethic. 


My husband and I went to one of these fancy steakhouses last night for dinner. The place is downtown in this very touristy part of the city that we generally try to avoid due to the large amount of confused pedestrians who have this uncanny knack for increasing your hatred of Middle America. You know, the sort of people who look like poorly dressed cows. Seriously, I saw four people squeezed into a pedicab last night. Don't do that tourists- don't do that to the poor pedicab driver. I know you think it's okay because you're "on vay-ca-shun" but it's not. Oh, and stop giving your child soda. He's obese. 


Anyway, so we're driving downtown and my husband is trying his best not to pick off some fanny-pack wearing tourist, and when he looks in the rear view mirror he jumps out of his seat a little bit and says, "Oh God!" I look in the rearview mirror and have the same reaction. It had been such a long time since either of us had driven downtown that we totally forgot about the horse carriages. It's really kind of frightening when you look in the review mirror and see a horse staring back at you. 


Yeah that was one of the funny things. Deal with it.


Speaking of horse carriages, when my husband and I were in New York a few years ago, we were strolling through Central Park and I played the best joke on him. He said, "I wonder if the stable for the horses is actually in Central Park." To which I replied, "Oh, you mean you don't know about the horses in Central Park?" He said no, and I went on to explain that since real estate in New York is so valuable it doesn't really make sense financially to stable the horses. When he asked how that worked I 'informed' him that the the horses work night and day until they die of exhaustion and are then sold to glue factories.


"That's terrible!" (He was completely buying it!) How long can they last?" 


"You'd be surprised. They can work for up to three weeks before they start to really deteriorate. If you'll notice they give them oats and water, but they're always working. Sometimes if they really start slowing down the driver will occasionally inject them with adrenaline, and that can keep them going for another couple of days." 


He was beginning to become infuriated about the mistreatment of these horses so I went ahead and revealed that I was lying. 


It was a really fun afternoon. 


Last thing about my husband, (and yes this also counts as a funny thing), man does this guy like to grill. I suspect it's a pretty common thing with men- this love of grilling and drinking beer. Women, take my advice and nurture this desire. Buy your husband expensive spices and rubs and ridiculous grilling gadgets. Hell- get that man a state of the art grill! Because once he discovers this love he will never forsake it. And you will rarely have to cook dinner. 


The company that owns and maintains the apartment where my brother resides recently informed him that his rent was going up via email. My brother decided it would be funny to respond to the leasing agent (who he thought he was somewhat familiar with after almost a full year of fairly regular interaction) as if he was taking the increase very personally thinking that she would immediately understand that it was a joke. Truly, the tone of the email is so utterly outrageous that there is no way this lady should not understand that's it's a joke. 


But she doesn't. I will ask my brother if I can post the email here this week. I'm certain you all will find it entertaining. 


So I think that's it. I think that's five funny things. Oh, here' a little bonus and hopefully another entertaining thing that I will be posting later this week. A friend of mine is headed to her class reunion soon and of course the reunion has a page on Facebook (which you all know how much I love) and of course everyone is posting how excited they are about the reunion. Here's what else some people are posting: short, almost lyrical messages about how awesome their high school class is. Granted, this probably isn't the most educated section of the group, but really- you're still into how awesome your high school class was/is? And you want to rhyme about it? 


Hopefully, I will be posting some of these little gems later this week.