The Diary of Me

I'm not going to explain my absence, but I will provide the reason for my return: 

My copy of R. Kelly's memoir should arrive on my doorstop next week and I am going to need an outlet for my thoughts. 


I guess we all need a 'diary of me.' 

Marcel Is Back!

I love this. 

Hat Trick

I know everyone thinks that their friends send them the best stuff via email/text, but my friends really outdid themselves today.  

1. Thanks Kellie! You know how much I love Ryan Gosling memes! 

2. Thanks Aussies! You know how much I love terrible music videos!

3. Thanks Laura! You know how much I love awkward childhood photos featuring hideous sweaters. Bonus points for a sweater within a sweater! 

Pearl Jam Twenty

Watched Pearly Jam Twenty this weekend- very well done. Cameron Crowe did a great job of balancing the story of the band's meteoric rise while simultaneously exploring the reasons behind their longevity. 

I'll be listening to Ten all week . . .

Don't Be Afraid

You know what I would have added to this scene . . . 

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I'm not gonna lie
I'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I'll show you my dark secret

If it meant losing my job as a Bravo employee I would have found a way to switch the music from that ridiculous sap to Possum Kingdom by The Toadies. Could any song have been more appropriate? 

Call me crazy, but it's hard for me to take a love scene seriously when I've been watching a man behave like a serial killer all season. 

Doooo yoouuu want to diiiiie? 

Oh man, that would have been grrreat. 

MED: I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Do This

Dear Bravo Producers,


Remember Blowout? I do. That's how long I've been watching Bravo reality series. Aaand, I'm from Texas. If Most Eligible Dallas doesn't appeal to me, you've got problems. Miami Social kinda problems. 


I'm well aware of the limitations of a reality series, and so I don't ask for much- I watched all three season's of Work Out for heaven's sake. ALL THREE! 


This last episode was particularly terrible. Usually with these sorts of shows there seems to be a climax (example: Taylor's nervous breakdown on this week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). What would be the climax of MED this week? Glenn hanging out with his ex-girlfriend (and somehow managing to screw up a "that's what she said" joke)? Matt and Neill sharing french fries? Courtney's day date with the South African dude and her minions? Drew not telling Cody that he loves him? 


Oh no, Bravo producers- was it supposed to be the dog rescue? 


Laaaaaaaaaaame. 

MED Think Tank

*I wanted to post this earlier in the week, but I became overwhelmed with other stuff. Please excuse my tardiness, as well as the crazy font size and style changes. Something is rotten in the state of Blogger. 

This post is made possible in part by a friend who I lovingly refer to as Tank. We are both watching Most Eligible Dallas even though we think it's a terrible, terrible reality series. Why are we subjecting ourselves to these characters week after week? Because we're dedicated Bravo fans from Texas. We have to watch this show no matter how ridiculous it is. 


I was reminded of how awful MED is last week when it followed The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere. Most Eligible Dallas makes Real Housewives of Beverly Hills look like Mad Men. I guess after years of digesting reality series my palate only responds to a particularly spectacular brand of dysfunction. 


So here we go with notes for the cast and crew of Most Eligible Dallas: 


Dear Bravo Producers/Editors,
Were you trying to find the lamest intro song possible for the MED opening credits? WHAT is THAT?


Dear Courtney, 
You are at the upper most echelon of Southern Bells.  We get it.  You know which side of the plate the fork and knife go on, we bow down. Also, do you have some sort of word limit that you must hit every day or else one of your family members will be burned alive? What's with the urgency? We're not at a Rush party. You can take your time during the interviews. While I realize it's totally lame that I paused the DVR to calculate how rapidly you speak, I feel it is my duty to forgo my own coolness to share this fact with you: it took 16 seconds for you to say the following:


"The relationship that Matt’s parents have is kind of the relationship in my mind 

that I want to have with somebody one day. So when people are like Courtney you are delusional with this ridiculous checklist and all these expectations and all these standards being set so high I’m like hello Matt’s parents have that so obviously it’s possible and obviously it can happen."

That's 64 words. 64 words in 16 seconds. SLOW DOWN COURTNEY. It's going to be okay. 

I did love the dress your sported for DIFFA, but in true Courtney fashion you ruined it by obnoxiously obsessing over how 'amazing' it was ALL NIGHT.  And yes, your jewelry is vintage Chanel.  We know.  

Before we move on I would like to throw this out there for your benefit: Matt's commitment timeline does not afford him with a wife his own age. Just a thought. 

Dear Tara (and the majority of the U.S. population),

Learn when to use the word 'literally.' It's not a difficult concept to grasp. For example the following statement does not need to be prefaced by the word 'literally':"There are literally so many charity events on any given week in Dallas."There is no way that anyone would assume you meant that figuratively Tara. 

Courtney, 

I'm sorry- I thought we were done. This actually applies to you as well. Remember when you were eating with Matt's parents and said, "Literally, if they bring a bread basket it's over!"? Oh Courtney, how I wish that was a literal statement. 

Dear Jody,

Don't have a DTR when you look like Cheech. (Although good call having it when Tara was intoxicated, I think that totally helped your case.)

Dear Neill,

I think you and Drew need to get together for a beer and try to figure out who comes in first place for worst blind date ever. 

Dear Glenn's kicker pal, 

A girl told you that she was tired on your date and you responded with,"I know I've been searching for this BMX Bike for awhile now . . . can you believe that? It's crazy."

This sort of statement is a large part of why she's saying she's tired. 

Dear Glenn,

Where do you find these people? Is the NFL rife with these sorts? 

Dear Drew, 

I love that you love your family so much and I am very impressed by your ability to parallel park.  I want you to keep blossoming.  However, a part of this process is realizing that instead of trying to win over people like Courtney, it's better to make the discovery that holding their attention is not worth the effort that task requires. And you're not going to distract Courtney from herself when she's wearing vintage Chanel jewelry. She needs to tell everyone that she's wearing vintage Chanel jewelry. All. Night. Long.Focus your energy elsewhere sweetheart. She's not worth your time/bids for attention via temper tantrums. 

Mother of Drew's step brothers, 

It is SO awkward that you call Mr. Ginsberg "Daddy."  Additionally, I think that Bravo used a pole to block you out of the Ginsberg family entrance of the DIFFA awards.  (Censored by Bravo?  Yikes.)

Dear DIFFA,

I think the work you do is wonderful, the fashion I find questionable.  See Daylon's black, transparent, mesh shirt, or as I like to call it "what everyone wore to the gay bars in 2002."  

Oh, Matt,

Were you in this episode? I guess you did provide that awkward high five (which surprisingly went unnoticed by Courtney! I thought she would be desperate for any sort of physical contact with you . . . ) over your grandmother's player status. Oh and your breathy conversation with Tara during that prolonged hug at her charity event was bizarre. Can you talk to a woman without imagining you are seducing them? And last, but not least, I love that your limited attention to Neill is something you call "being focused." I can't imagine living your perspective Matt. I really can't. 

Automatic For the People (And You Know Who You Are)

Dear Matt Nordgren,

After watching three episodes of Most Eligible Dallas I have decided that while you are not the most unlikable character (I'll get to you in a second Courtney) you are by far the creepiest. Yes, you beat out the fifty year old soul patch sporting disc jockey.

When you're driving around Dallas 'calling up the ladies' I am truly scared for them. What's going on with the removed tone and the delayed laugh? Are you a serial killer? Maybe the girls you call don't mind the inevitable group date, because their gut is telling them that there's safety in numbers. 

Dear Courtney,

When I watch you stare into a mirror that rests under the giant letters that spell out your name while a camera crew films you talking on the phone it makes me wonder how long you've been wanting to be famous. I also wonder how much of you is devoted to the conversation you are having and how much is devoted to studying your own facial expressions. My guess is 20/80. 

Dear Glenn,

You're somewhat superficial, but super nice. Therefore, I'll just say this: I love your Cadillac. For real.

Dear Drew,

You're still my fave! While your smokeless cigarette is ridiculous, I know you watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and it delights me to imagine that you are smoking it facetiously. I love that you bought Glenn for Courtney even though you had recently been on a terrible, terrible date and deserved to have some fun. I also love that in next week's episode you and Courtney get into it. I hope you push her butt-dones. 

Dear Tara,

You're still not compelling. 

Dear Neil,

Ditto. 

Dear Bravo Producers,

Looks like we have another Miami Social on our hands, huh? 

College Is For Suckers

So this is depressing- especially if you're paying back student loans. 

Thank You Jon Stewart

Most Eligible Dallas

I'm writing this post for one person and one person only. Super Fan, you know who you are. 

Dear Kourtney,

You're not funny. 

Matt,

You kind of remind me of Patrick Bateman. I'm sure you have no idea who that is. Download American Psycho. 

Glenn,

Remember when you were on the photo shoot and said, "I feel like, I'm just like, a natural born poser,"? I nodded. 

Tara,

We get it. The show is about Dallas. Dallas is in Texas. People are familiar with Texas. Also, pretty sure "Big Hair Day" isn't a "national day" if it's Texas specific. 

Drew,

So far you're my favorite. I love the way you pronounce "button." And you're right- Texas wine makes me want to vomit too. 

Neal,

I'm not sure I'm spelling your name correctly. I'm sorry Kourtney was mean to you, but keep in mind that it's just because you have everything she wants and you're throwing it in her face on a Wednesday night at 11:00 p.m. when you should be at home with your child. Kourtney is just insanely jealous traditional. Because she's from Texas. 

WE GET IT! THEY'RE IN TEXAS! 

Clearly, Andy isn't producing this one.  

 

Our 'Rick Parry'

Hoping for a better tomorrow tomorrow? 

http://www.colbertsuperpac.com/episodeiv-anewhope/

Brilliantly Written.Terrifyingly True.

Rick Perry has been flirting with idea of a presidential run for the last few months months his entire life. While many of you might think it impossible to elect another Texan to the White House so soon after W. be careful not to underestimate Perry or our nation's tendency to swing in the polar opposite direction when something isn't working. What was that brilliant campaign slogan? 


Something about change . . . 


If you don't understand why folks are saying that Rick Perry is the "eight-hundred-pound guerrilla on the sidelines of this race" let Paul Burka explain it for you.


Oh and check out these political ads that he's run through the years. Don Draper couldn't have designed a more manipulative ad campaign. I have to hand it to Perry- thematically, he's damn consistent. 

Happy Saturday!

Ohhh this is sooo good.

Cry Baby

A few weeks ago I visited a very close friend of mine who lives in Houston. She had a baby in November so I was very excited to get to spend some time getting to know her son. It's so cool to watch someone you've known since the age of nine parent their child. My friend is such a good mother- attentive but at the same time very laid back. I could tell right away that she has an immeasurable amount of love for her son. My childhood bud has totally mastered being a mom, and I suddenly felt very grown simply by witnessing that. 


But I guess we still bring out one another's mischievous side, because at some point during my visit my friend turned to me and said, "Do you want to see the saddest, cutest thing in the world?" Of course I said yes, and she said, "Okay, I would only do this for you."  


So we sat the baby in front of us, and my friend proceeded to make this really irritating sound and the baby made the most adorable, heartbreaking face I've ever seen which was followed by the cutest crying I've ever heard. And then he would self-sooth which was equally adorable, and then I would say "do it again." 


She decided to video tape it so she wouldn't traumatize him by repeating this again and again which anyone would be tempted to do because it is just so funny. I hope you enjoy it! And don't feel sorry for him- he has a really relaxing white noise machine in his plush little nursery and has never had a single drop of tap water. He's fine. 

Adventures In Emailing

The company that owns and maintains the apartment where my brother resides recently informed him that his rent was going up via email. My brother decided it would be funny to respond to the leasing agent (who he thought he was somewhat familiar with after almost a full year of fairly regular interaction) as if he was taking the increase very personally thinking that she would immediately understand that it was a joke. Truly, the tone of the email is so utterly outrageous that there is no way this lady should not understand that's it's a joke. She doesn't. 


I thought y'all might enjoy reading it: 

Dear Jane,

So many things I need to say tonight. So many things...

I am glad you have found some humor in the rather unfortunate event of my rent going up Jane. Do I find any humor in it? No, I don't. In fact, I am disgusted by the choice(s) you ladies at Texas Properties have made against me. It is very much personal and I am fully aware of that. I spent half the night last night stressed over the financial decisions I was going to have to make for the upcoming year. I was literally disgusted as I spent sometime throwing up by the toilet. 

Yes, I saw this little scheme coming from day one when I signed the papers at your little lair. Oh I know how it works! Fill the office with these good-looking intelligent types and then just let them wheel and deal there way into a small little fortune...!!! I remember sitting there at your place shifting nervously in my seat as the other two ladies in the office whispered amongst themselves after I had signed the papers. They both had such smug looks on there face. When you see that look, if you have any sense at all, you know you are being taken advantage of mercilessly. They both had that look and I remember one of them asking very condescendingly what I did for a living. 

"I work at a hotel." I replied holding back the anger. 

"Oh cool, I bet that's interesting work." she said in a humiliating tone.

"Yeah, it's not a bad job."

(The tone cannot be felt on paper!)

The lady then went into the back to make some copies of our agreement and I could hear her cackling with the other lady in the office. I couldn't make out exactly what was being said but I did distinctly hear the term "uneducated" being thrown around followed by more cackling. Needless to say, I felt very much violated. I became hyper aware of the stain on my shirt that I had just recently acquired from mishandling a croissant at the coffee shop near by and I was sure that both ladies had taken note of it.

And look where we were at now Jane ... You're about to throw me out on the street like some rat to show my apartment to some college hunk or Japanese girl looking to use my house as a study near UT in some field that I probably cannot even pronounce correctly. Well, I hope you're happy! I hope you're all happy and laughing down at Texas Properties!!!. But the joke is on you because I will have the money this week for my rent as well as a pen in hand to sign on for another year at MY location. If you think you can systematically weed me out with a little upping of the rent well you are wrong sister. YOU ARE WRONG SISTER.

 

Five Funny Things

So a few of you have remarked as of late, "what's the deal with your blog? You haven't been posting." 


And then I say, "I know, I've been busy." Which is sort of true. Unfortunately, I'm not just furiously producing. Oh no, there's been plenty of absolutely wasted time. It would be silly if I didn't cop to the fact that lately much of my spare time has been spent absorbing trashy television shows. 


Also, I didn't know how to come back. I was so good about posting regularly that I began to place an obscene amount of importance on the post hiatus post. Like, I better be working on something phenomenal since it's been over a month. So I started exploring the most popular conspiracy theory of all time and came to a solid conclusion via a lengthy investigation and several interviews with obscure and barely living politicians. However, after carful consideration I've decided that the world just isn't ready to know who really killed JFK. 


Instead I've decided to post five funny things. These are just amusing little bits of information that you may or may not find to be humorous. I do. And I'm sorry there's not any pictures. I just don't feel like it. 


My husband cannot stand my seating choices in restaurants that are seat-yourself. If you're in line with someone at a restaurant obviously the first person who exits the line automatically has the responsibility of choosing the place where your party will sit, or at least that was my understanding. This is not the case if I'm dining with my husband. Oh no, whichever space I choose will be deemed unworthy and I will be forced to relocate no matter how comfortable I've made myself. And there is no discernible criteria for what he considers an optimal table. I have to work on pure instinct. This has really become a sticking point and I've expressed my grief concerning this issue so he is trying to work on it. I must admit though that now I sometimes secretly choose places my intuition tells me he will have issues with just to see if he's willing to let it go. 


I often wonder about the percentage of people out there who keep their car spectacularly clean. If I had to guess I'd say it's about thirty percent, and it's the same sort of people who keep their house perfectly neat. I do not fall into this category of people, but at least I usually know when folks are coming over and I give myself plenty of time to clean so I won't be embarrassed. Uninvited guests are few and far between and I can usually prevent someone who's dropping something off from coming inside and feasting their eyes on my untidiness. Unfortunately, I cannot always ward off the surprise guest in my vehicle. For example, this kind of thing always happens at conferences or staff developments. Even though it's usually a strong possibility I always forget to prepare for the ever so common carpool-to-lunch with coworkers/colleagues. Suddenly I'm racing to my car ahead of a pack of hungry people who selected my car as the best vehicle for hauling everyone. As soon as I get to my car, I desperately begin throwing dirty clothes, food wrappers, stacks of papers and books, and at least twelve near empty water bottles into my trunk. This is always followed up with, "sorry, y'all it's been a crazy week and I've practically been living out of my car." Oh yes, that's right guys, my slovenly behavior is the result of my work ethic. 


My husband and I went to one of these fancy steakhouses last night for dinner. The place is downtown in this very touristy part of the city that we generally try to avoid due to the large amount of confused pedestrians who have this uncanny knack for increasing your hatred of Middle America. You know, the sort of people who look like poorly dressed cows. Seriously, I saw four people squeezed into a pedicab last night. Don't do that tourists- don't do that to the poor pedicab driver. I know you think it's okay because you're "on vay-ca-shun" but it's not. Oh, and stop giving your child soda. He's obese. 


Anyway, so we're driving downtown and my husband is trying his best not to pick off some fanny-pack wearing tourist, and when he looks in the rear view mirror he jumps out of his seat a little bit and says, "Oh God!" I look in the rearview mirror and have the same reaction. It had been such a long time since either of us had driven downtown that we totally forgot about the horse carriages. It's really kind of frightening when you look in the review mirror and see a horse staring back at you. 


Yeah that was one of the funny things. Deal with it.


Speaking of horse carriages, when my husband and I were in New York a few years ago, we were strolling through Central Park and I played the best joke on him. He said, "I wonder if the stable for the horses is actually in Central Park." To which I replied, "Oh, you mean you don't know about the horses in Central Park?" He said no, and I went on to explain that since real estate in New York is so valuable it doesn't really make sense financially to stable the horses. When he asked how that worked I 'informed' him that the the horses work night and day until they die of exhaustion and are then sold to glue factories.


"That's terrible!" (He was completely buying it!) How long can they last?" 


"You'd be surprised. They can work for up to three weeks before they start to really deteriorate. If you'll notice they give them oats and water, but they're always working. Sometimes if they really start slowing down the driver will occasionally inject them with adrenaline, and that can keep them going for another couple of days." 


He was beginning to become infuriated about the mistreatment of these horses so I went ahead and revealed that I was lying. 


It was a really fun afternoon. 


Last thing about my husband, (and yes this also counts as a funny thing), man does this guy like to grill. I suspect it's a pretty common thing with men- this love of grilling and drinking beer. Women, take my advice and nurture this desire. Buy your husband expensive spices and rubs and ridiculous grilling gadgets. Hell- get that man a state of the art grill! Because once he discovers this love he will never forsake it. And you will rarely have to cook dinner. 


The company that owns and maintains the apartment where my brother resides recently informed him that his rent was going up via email. My brother decided it would be funny to respond to the leasing agent (who he thought he was somewhat familiar with after almost a full year of fairly regular interaction) as if he was taking the increase very personally thinking that she would immediately understand that it was a joke. Truly, the tone of the email is so utterly outrageous that there is no way this lady should not understand that's it's a joke. 


But she doesn't. I will ask my brother if I can post the email here this week. I'm certain you all will find it entertaining. 


So I think that's it. I think that's five funny things. Oh, here' a little bonus and hopefully another entertaining thing that I will be posting later this week. A friend of mine is headed to her class reunion soon and of course the reunion has a page on Facebook (which you all know how much I love) and of course everyone is posting how excited they are about the reunion. Here's what else some people are posting: short, almost lyrical messages about how awesome their high school class is. Granted, this probably isn't the most educated section of the group, but really- you're still into how awesome your high school class was/is? And you want to rhyme about it? 


Hopefully, I will be posting some of these little gems later this week. 

Hot Topics

Last Friday my husband and I went out with a few of his coworkers.  The two of us headed home around 11:00 but the remainder of the group went out for tacos. One of said husband's coworkers is a very attractive woman in her late forties. Apparently she caught the attention of a young busboy and he introduced himself and stated in no uncertain terms that he was interested. Being that he was much younger, and not really her type, she warded him off as best she could. She then made the unfortunate mistake of heading to the ladies room which gave her coworkers ample time to slip the busboy her email address. 


She received the following email the very next morning. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Hello again how are you? you remember me yesterday I met you in the salsas restaurant and just want to know you more I don´t know how you atract my attention you are a beautifull lady sorry for by more direct but please understand me I´m mature too no matter if you are more oldest than me, yesterday something happend when a see you is for me extremely hard because i always give attention to any girls more youngs in the restaurant but you look so different you beloved me with your dressing, I want to know you more and whatever you need please count with my presence as friend, lover or anything you wish.

When is your day off? because I want invite you to see a movie theater maybe you don´t recognize my because I´m look very different like yesterday in the restaurant, cause I appear more young well you will see with your own eyes.

I wish talk to you about hot topics sorry by me behavior but I´m alone here and I think so you can be my teacher not only for the experience about everything jejeje ok

I will wathing for your answer ok see you soon baby. Ciao!!!

Grettings.
Sorry for my grammar in english.

Fight of the Century: Keynes vs. Hayek Round Two

These guys are awesome! 

 And just in case you missed it, here's their first video:

"If you're living high on that cheap credit hog 
Don't look for a cure from the hair of the dog
Real savings come first if you want to invest
The market coordinates time with interest


Your focus on spending is pushing on thread
In the long run, my friend, it's your theory that's dead
So sorry there, buddy, if that sounds like invective
Prepare to get schooled in my Austrian perspective." 


-Friedrich Hayek
(sort of)


I want plans by the many not by the few! What about you?

Sorry Blogosphere, This One Is For Me

I try to keep 'my audience' in mind when writing this blog, but sometimes I can't help but allow myself to be selfish. More often than not, I try to come up with entries that are relatable, but tonight is about a digital account of a memory I shared with two people that I love very much. Forgive me if this post seems a little cryptic. 

Thank you so much for exceeding my expectations of friendship almost every day by continuously connecting with me in the silliest ways imaginable and providing me a second home where I knew I was not only welcome, but wanted. I will miss you both so very much. 

Good night Aussies

Good night Marie Antoinette

Love,

Ankies/Anne Boleyn

P.S. One final thought that maybe everyone can relate to- is there anything more embarrassing than being absolutely serious?